Somethings are so bad, they’re actually ridiculously amusing. Like, “The Twilight Saga,” “50 Shades” and these home listings.
These awesomely awful home listings have something for everyone, including blurry photos, upside down photos, and the most amazing dog house (*canines are not included) we’ve ever seen.
So, without further ado, drumroll please — may we present 10 home listings so terrible they’re tragically funny.
1. Wibbly wobbly
Our first listing comes out of Indian Harbour Beach, FL. The homeowner describes the three-bedroom home as “nice.” It boasts 2,100 square feet of open living space, direct access to the beach and “no elevator here.” Judging by the listing’s photos, the home features some incredibly curvy walls and floors. Yes, the homeowner used what’s called a ‘fisheye lens’ when they photographed their home.
Walls and floors have unnatural curves to them, not to mention how it makes the washer and dryer look. The bottom line here is — if you don’t know how to take a proper photo, have someone else do it.
2. Play with me, forever
Our next homeowner either has a wicked sense of humor or is just incredibly lazy. The Weeki Wachee, FL home has 2,400 square feet and three-bedrooms, along with high ceiling heights throughout. It also seems to have a very creepy kid standing at the end of a long, dark hallway (“The Shining” anyone?). We’re all for a little bit of creative photography to break up the monotony of an online listing, but we tend to draw the line at creepy dolls and creepy kids. As much as we’d love to say, “We live in Weeki Wachee,” we’re going to have to pass on the creepy kid.
3. You’re not Magnum P.I.
We head over to Hernando Beach, FL for our next listing, which features a three-bedroom, 1,900-square-foot home on a cul-de-sac. The home boasts an open floorplan, a wood deck with a deep overhang and a mysterious “enclosed genuite pool.” The homeowner is photographed on said wood deck, sporting a loud Hawaiian shirt. We’re not going to call the fashion police, but if you’re not Tom Selleck (or in Hawaii), you shouldn’t be wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Those are the rules.
4. Get glasses, Alice
This next condo listing comes out of Destin, FL. It features fresh paint, new floors and counters, and a mishmash of crooked, sideways photos and completely blurry photos. Whenever we come across improperly aligned or blurry photos, we have to wonder if the homeowner is really committed to selling their home. If we’re scratching our heads trying to make heads or tails of the listing, we can only imagine the frustration of a prospective homebuyer — hoping this listing is the one, only to be sorely let down. It’s a lot like falling for a Russian trollbot on Twitter, not that that’s ever happened to us.
5. How the other half lives
Doggone it! Our next listing is for 44 beautiful wooded acres surrounded by quiet conservation tracts, stone walls, trails and outcroppings in Durham, NC. The area is septic-ready and the property has a private drive that leads up from a quiet neighborhood. Sounds rustically charming, if that’s your cup of tea, but what really grabbed our attention was the dog house. Yes, the dog house. Elevated with ladder-steps, the round enclosure even seems to have a heating system. And with an asking price of $345,000, this one is sure to go right to the dogs. We could just picture ourselves kicking back by the fireplace with a nice cup of joe during the dog days of winter.
6. The night the lights went out in Montgomery
We jump over to Montgomery, AL for this listing. It features a 2,800-square-foot, four-bedroom “large beautiful home on an acred secluded wooded lot.” Other notable mentions include a closed-in porch, vinyl siding and a completely remodeled kitchen. The problem is, we can’t really see any of these selling points in the listing photos. Aside from being misaligned, the photos are dark — very dark, like I’m-planning-on-jumping-out-from-behind-the-couch-to scare-you-when-you-walk-in dark. As the old adage goes, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. Just don’t flaunt it in the dark or no one will buy your house.
7. Does the shirt match the wallpaper?
Our next listing is a lovely brick home located on a sloping lot with a large, beautiful natural area in Birmingham, AL. It has 4,000 square feet, four-bedrooms, and an “almost new” roof. The home also has four-and-a-half bathrooms, and we only hope that they all don’t look like the one featured in the listing’s photos. It’s almost as if someone painted the walls mint green, applied clear glue, and then threw pounds of colorful potpourri on the walls. Indeed, it’s not a sight for the faint of heart. But it was amusing to see the homeowner’s selfie in the bathroom’s mirror. Their shirt nearly matched the wallpaper. We had wonder if they were related to the homeowner of our number 3 listing.
8. Quick, somebody call Lionel Richie!
Warning, we are going to put an earworm in your ear by the end of this listing. Proceed at your own risk! This listing comes out of Colfax, IA and boasts “small town living just 25 miles from Des Moines.” The home was built in 1870, but the homeowner says not to be scared off by this. “The entire inside of the home has been flipped.” Judging by the photos, they weren’t kidding. Indeed, the floors are on the ceiling and the ceiling is on the floor. Dare we say it? Oh what a feeling, when we’re dancing on the ceiling. You’re welcome.
The listing also features several screenshots of photos — another of our pet peeves. When in trouble, call the Geek Squad on the double.
9. We get it, you’re a winner
This “incredible” listing comes to us from Mansfield, OH. The 4,600-square-foot home has six-bedrooms, four-bathrooms, and not one, but two master bedrooms (though admittedly, we’re not sure why you need more than one). The home also features an attached in-law suite, which may or may not be a plus. It’s located an hour’s drive from both rockin’ Cleveland and the capital city of Columbus. While the homeowner supplied a bevy of mostly mediocre photos of their home, they made sure to photograph their vast trophy collection. Truly. Everybody may love a winner, but no one likes a show off.
10. Phil? Phil Connors?
Our final listing comes out of Metolius, OR. The custom-built home has “too many features to list,” but some include large windows, birch cabinets, and a shed on site. The homeowner went to great lengths to photograph the home from nearly every conceivable angle, including some 40-plus photos in the listing. One in particular caught our eye — the home’s shadow on a white picket fence. Is the home a weather prognosticator? If it sees its shadow in February, will we have a longer winter? We appreciate going the extra mile and the occasional well-done artsy photo, but you lose points when you make us want to watch “Groundhog Day” in the middle of a workday. Bad homeowner!