Water Cooler

Is this the filthiest home in North America?

Photo: Zillow

This home listing out of Stone Mountain, GA is definitely a contender for the Hall of Shame.

And while we’ve seen our fair share of untidy, neglected and just flat-out messy homes, this one is in a league of its own. As a public service, interested homebuyers should be advised to invest heavily in industrial strength Mr. Clean before setting foot inside the home’s 3,800 square feet of filth.

The four-level, four-bedroom home is listed as a short sale in “as is” condition — never a good sign — for $165,000. But not to worry, all the home needs is a “little TLC and you’ll be in great comfort and extravagant living.” (We feel the need to point out an obvious typo in the listing’s information here. Having looked at the accompanying photos, they clearly meant to say “a lot of TLC.”)

The contender for filthiest home boasts four decks, one on each of its levels, with one overlooking the property’s “beautiful” swimming pool. It has a “ton” of living space, and “don’t forget” the two fireplaces, two-car garage, and “office spaces on the inside.” Here again we must pause to say we’re assuming the “office spaces” are inside the home and not the two-car garage, but one never knows.

But on the upside, the home is conveniently located a short drive from Atlanta’s Downtown, so there’s that.

Grab your latex gloves, protective eyewear, booties and face mask, and let’s take a virtual tour of 1779 South Hidden Hills Parkway — the dirtiest home on the market right now.

1. Plenty of space for your junk… errr, “stuff”

Photo: Zillow

Our tour begins in the living room, where there is rumoured to be “plenty of room for entertaining.” To be honest, it’s kind of hard to judge just how much floorspace and living space there is in the area given the fact that it’s littered with clothes, Christmas-y items, a child’s crayon drawing, and an oddly perched pair of boots. And those were just the items we could discern from the photo. It feels like we’re playing “Can You Spot The…” and we’re not winning.

2. It’s a hole in the wall. Literally.

Photo: Zillow

We’re treated to another view of the living room in the next stop on our photo tour. In this shot, a couple of holes in the wall are visible, possibly where a television was once mounted? Or not. Clothes are neatly stacked in a pile in the middle of the 70s velvet-red carpet, and random pill bottles litter a small table — right next to a child’s toy truck. What could go wrong there?

3. Swimming pool or cesspool?

Photo: Zillow

Time to visit the property’s “beautiful” swimming pool we told you about earlier. Unsurprisingly, it too is in shambles. The pool cover is torn and ripped, revealing murky, dirty water beneath, and is held down in places by patio furniture. The wooden deck also appears a bit unsafe in areas, but we’d still recommend a tetanus booster just to be safe. Sad to say, the lake the pool overlooks is far more inviting than the home cesspool of fungus and filth.

4. How does your garden grow?

Photo: Zillow

While we’re not 100 percent sure which room our next stop on the tour is, whether it’s a bedroom or one of the home’s “office spaces” alluded to in the listing, but it is so overrun with plants that it more resembles a garden or greenhouse. Potted plants, some thriving and some not so much so, and even a few artificial flora litter the room — as well as the usual assortment of cardboard boxes and junk we’ve come to associate with this listing. But our favorite decorative touch is the trio of empty photo frames.

5. Like sand through an hourglass…

Photo: Zillow

A cluttered rec room appears to be our next stop, and we use the word “appears” because we’re not entirely sure what this room has been used for. A red couch and bar stools are clearly visible in the background, but every inch of room in the foreground is covered with either plants, carvings of couples locked in an embrace, or paperwork. There’s even a carefully placed children’s hot pink camcorder sitting neglected in the corner, much like Tiny Tim’s discarded crutch. The room is murky and dark, and lacks any sense of warmth. The water stains on the ceiling make us think it probably smells pretty funky as well. As much as we want to take that hot pink camera out for a spin, we’ll steer clear of this room, thank you very much.

6. “Norm!”

Photo: Zillow

This bar is definitely not “Cheers,” and we’re positive no one knows your name here. Despite the temptation to take a load off on one of the empty bar stools, the bar top is completely covered by books, containers, wrappers and an assortment of paper and plastics. Continuing the running theme seen elsewhere in the home, there’s yet more greenery and a few sprinklings of fake foliage. For added fun and mystery, there is a small framed rectangular patch of wall. We’re not really sure what it’s supposed to be — art, broken mirror, gateway to another dimension? All are strong possibilities, and we know what curiosity did to the cat, so we’ll just keep it moving, if you don’t mind.

7. Wanted dead or… just dead

Photo: Zillow

This indoor fish pond seems like it might have been a great idea once upon in a time in another home. Now, the sad little pond is surrounded by dead or dying plants, unplugged strings of indoor lights, and dry earth that looks like it hasn’t tasted in drop of water in years. Yet, strangely enough, there appears to be five fish swimming happily in the pond despite their tragic living conditions. Actually, swimming or floating on their sides, we can’t be sure.

8. The purple pig in the room

Photo: Zillow

Our only look into one of the home’s four-bedrooms does not disappoint. The stripped down mattress is covered with plastic garbage bags, finger paints, clothes and an assortment of odds and ends. Curtains appear to be falling off the rod, clothes are jam packed in the closet and a shoe rack is overflowing with mostly pink-ish shades of tiny shoes. There’s even a portly purple stuffed pig that thankfully takes up a minimal amount of much-needed, clutter-free floorspace — we hope it’s housebroken. A child’s painting of an owl peers out from the background, innocently enough, as if it were existentially pondering, ‘Why am I here?’ To which we could only respond with the most obvious of answers: ‘Who?’

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